Old Testament: God creates the universe and he sees it and it's serious business, but then Satan pretends to be a snake and trolls Eve, telling her "Apple or GTFO" (cuz she was already showing tits). She chooses the former and then her and her fuck buddy Adam get b& from Eden for being trollbait. Then a lot of serious fucking incest occurs and we get the human race (which explains a lot, really).
Then later, God gets uber pissed about Pharaoh Hitler pwning the Jews, so he gives Moses some cheat codes for the universe. Moses stages a mass slave runaway and opens up the sea so the Jews can run through, closing it behind him and drowning the ancient Nazis. God lol'd.
Some other less important shit happens, mostly composed of a bunch of faggots writing emo poetry about God for him to fap to.
New Testament: God finds Mary sleeping and just sticks the tip in and drops his load. Nine months later, Jesus is born. For his 13th birthday, God gave Jesus more cheat codes than he gave Moses, plus the rcon password for life, and some CP.
Later, Jesus became a hard core ska punk and trolled the old school Jews hard. They got super pissed and permabanned him with a cross and some nine inch nails. They forgot he had god mode turned on though, so he waited 3 days and hit vid_restart on the rcon panel, came back into life's serer, and laughed at the Jews.
After that, 3 more guys tell the same story, then this faggot Paul wrote an assload of shit about sex being evil and a bunch of other stuff that Jesus never fucking said but everybody listened to Paul anyway because they're stupid.